I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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