apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
