If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
