his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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