she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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