i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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