I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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