I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
