Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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