So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
