Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
