before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Randomize
