I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
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