hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
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