I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
