All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
