The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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