Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
