I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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