smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
