so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
