So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
