I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
