You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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