I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
