My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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