My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
