The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
