I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
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