I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize