I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
