Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
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