just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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