turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
