This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
