Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
