Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
