I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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