I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Randomize
