Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
