If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
