He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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