Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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