saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
