i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize