toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
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