I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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