we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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