I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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