Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I woke up under a house in Key West
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize