omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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