I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
