A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
