words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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