I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
