how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
