How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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