If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
