I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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