I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
