Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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