a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
