We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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