its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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