oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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